To Kyla.

         I hope to God you never read this.

       Today is your 16th Birthday! So I thought I'd make a blog about you, even know you'll never read it and if you do...I give you permission to slam my head into a Table...I guess. So lets go to the beginning shall we? You've been coming to my school since 5th, I kind of remember you in Math class when I had the great idea to write my name as many times as I can and you and some one else joined in....can't remember the other person, but I'll have you know I wrote it 5 times per line, at least 1,000 times, I can't remember the exact number, I also lost the papers some where at my Dads... and after that, I don't remember you very well, I was so stuck up Emily's ass that, well that was all I knew, heck I wrote in my school book that I wanted to be like her. Which I know you've saw. It wasn't tell, maybe 8th grade that you came back, 7th is when Blake came to our school, and I was good friends with him, and in 8th is when my whole group of friends became friends with him, which involves you. From 8th to 9th anytime the group would hang out and we would be left together for some reason, it would be one of those awkward conversations, we didn't know what to say to each other, it wasn't like we hated each other it was, we didn't know how to talk to each other, we didn't realize how much we had in common. And it wasn't until the beginning of this year (after my mom kept going "Invite Kyla over I like her, you guys would be great friends, etc..) that I had told you when ever you want, you can come over. It didn't take a while to realize after our friends not being there that we were alike, and different. My parents a split up, I'm stuck with an amazing Mother and the best Step-Dad ever, and a Dad that I don't know, we talk but he doesn't know me and I don't know him I'm supposed to go over every weekend, but I don't see the point not to mention a bitch for a step-mom, and her parents are together they've split a before, but for the sake of their kids (I guess) their back together, but she doesn't really get her dad either, they clash or they get into verbal arguments. So we both have some what daddy issues. Over this year, you've become my Best friend, and I know you'll have my back, and I've got yours.  So Happy Birthday Best Friend.
                                                        -The Bad Version.(Inside Joke..)

Change.

            Well, what can I say so far...umm almost got in to a car wreck twice this week, both because someone was in my lane, but I LIVED!!!!!! Just thought I'd add that little note in there, considering I almost died 3 times before I was 6, fun stuff. Actually the main reason I wanted to blog today was because I noticed something that bothered me. Last month my WONDERFUL, I say sarcastically, Gym teacher decided that for every day we'd play soft ball, which I suck at, I'm not a sporty person. But the more I played it the better I got, I was actually hitting the ball, granted not very far but it was enough for me to get on 1st. Now we played that game until I didn't mind it, I didn't have a fear about it... but then we stopped. And my ability to hit the ball, went away, all of a sodden I was like the rest of the girls. Only on a certain circumstance is when I could hit it. I'm not the person that likes change, I try my best to avoid it, I stay away from drama, and I know every girl says that, but they are always the ones to start it, but if you asked a person in or not in my grade that isn't my best friend, they will tell you I'm quiet, heck about a week ago one chick learned I party, which should help you get an idea, I only talk if talked to, or if I see your really trying, I'll try back. And I say that just because the words are in my head, but my mouth it a road block, and only the most "common" words are allowed to escape, and I might add I will at some point talk to you but...I have to feel like I understand you, before my road block of a mouth will allow anything to come out. I do have friends that think I'm the happiest person alive, what they don't realize is I could cry everyday, but I depress my emotions, in  my imaginary bottle I hold dear, and after a while of forcing stuff in the bottle it cracks...the breaks, and my wounds are all re-opened, and my world goes through a crisis. Getting back to my point, the fact that I changed, for the worst bothered me. To myself, I think I am the same as when I was little, just more knowledgeable, but then again maybe that was a bad day. And maybe I didn't... all I have is hope, thats all anyone has I guess.
      
                                                                                       -Grace

Mothers Day.

         I know it isn't technically Mothers day but I thought I'd post something for mothers day, just something to do, just thought I'd add its just know midnight so yeah it is Mothers day...but not. I'm honestly never good at holidays, I can't stand half of my family, I do love the ones I can though. I kind of get anti social, now thinking about it. My Mom says its her fault, because  her and her family(its also mine but oh well in the zone) had some bad history and her, herself didn't want to be around them at certain times, but I always tell her "I am who I am, not what you made me." which is right, and wrong at the same time. You are what you inherit and what you are raised around, but I do believe I am what I got from birth, but who knows. BACK TO MOTHERS DAY! When I was little I always thought it wasn't right because their adults, they can get or do pretty much anything they want, but as I get older I've seem my ways. I've seen that's not true, so now I understand, and I approve to be official... I believe that on Mothers or Fathers day the person should be able to relax and enjoy the day. My Mom should be able to have one day when she doesn't have to worry about my brother, and I'm not going into very much detail with that yet, but she shouldn't have to worry if he will get murdered or overdose. And she should be able to do what she wants if its doing nothing or...I don't know I'm not an adult but I some times scare myself, and that's how I get "Your so Immature" but hey  I shouldn't be that mature, I mean come on! I'm 16! granted that's just 2 years from being 18, but I haven't even been to a party that's been busted yet, not that's my mission but HEY it would be fun...:). I keep getting sidetracked sorry, but I love my Mom, I don't say it alot and with that I am ashamed, but I do, shes been through alot, and though I haven't got her anything, because I'm not good at holidays but I'm going to try to make it her day.

                                                                                                     -Grace

Tired, but its been good.

          Well, I woke up and went back to sleep, so it hasn't been very productive, but its been okay. Painted a guy in art, took notes in Biology(which I think is fun...), watched a movie in English. Funny story about the movies in English, our teacher had a baby so we've been having a sub like teacher, didn't take long for him to realize our class is un-teachable...and we've been watching the movies for the past week. I had to ?present? a power point in Geomatry, and made up things to put on a History paper since he was out. Then there was gym, did nothing basically, I managed to stop the puck from going in...a couple of times. And then were here, 7th period. The period when I sit right next to her...and imma make a name for her so shes now named Emily, thats not her real name of course but its the same chick with the whole illegal boyfriend.

           Now I started writing this in my last class, but one of my friends sort of looked at me funny so I had to get off of it.  But I got ?deturmained? (don't even feel like trying) thinking I was ganna make a pie! But I'll have to do that tomorrow, I had went to my Grandma's to see what to do for the next 6 days, their going to O.K. to see my uncle and my cousins...wonderful but I don't mind helping. After that I spent the next 4 and a half hours watching season 1 of my newest favorite show, Its been on for...well since 2000 and i've seen some episodes, but didn't get to fully understand what was happening until now! I feel like all together...todays been great. I think the whole blogging thing helped.
                                                               
                                                                                -Grace

Why I started.

                Well My names Grace. My Life is well like hell right now. Thats the main reason I decided to blog, and my whole bottling my emotions had to stop after a while of it... I lost who I was. I was nothing but a ball of angry and sadness. I honestly don't know who would read this, but personaly I don't care. So I guess I'll get to why my life is the way it is right now. Basically one of my ex-friends now, started dating this 21 year old, might I add she was 15, now she's 16, and after I witnessed them cheating on each other...I cracked. I blocked my once best friend and now people think I'm mad? I'm not mad, just upset. I started this whole Ignoring war, almost like the Cold War... Mainly because neither of us have the guts to ask what happened, I've tried before telling her, he's nothing but a cheating S.O.B. but like a girl MADLY in "LOVE" with this guy she took his lies over my truth. I was crushed I don't want to admit it, but I was done, I hate leaving people out in the cold like that, but I've done tried, and at this time...I had no choice but to sit back and watch the train crash. Maybe I was wrong for tring to help...I could of been like many of my other friends who didn't try, but instead I atleast tried to help...Right? The worst part of my day was when I heard someone who I thought I could trust tell another girl that WE meaning me and the girl acrossed the barrier, were acting like drama queens. which hurt alot...another reason why I started blogging. So people wouldn't have to listen to me, or talk behind my back. And now thinking about it I did talk alot about it. Life sucks...alot. And today I had a flash back to several years ago, when my depression was at its all time high, I thought about cutting myself...and then I had a desire to write a suicide note...which I'd never do, or atleast I don't think I would. Sadly I have thought about it before but thats been years ago, still have't told my Mother the about how bad it was. The only thing that could bring me out of it was to think and count how many people would care if I just pushed myself off the cliff? It wasn't a lot...but the ones that I knew would care, ment the most to me. :)

 

-Grace